Well, this isn’t the post I thought I’d be sharing with you all today. To be honest, based off the voicemail I received last week I thought this was going to be a post about our journey towards IVF.
Let me back up for a sec and share how I as feeling a week ago: We got the news through a voicemail last Monday morning. I had been anticipating their call since the week prior and was honestly on pins and needles waiting for the results to come in.
One thing you should know about Aaron and I before I share any further is we are very different when it comes to navigating the unknown. Aaron is just about as optimistic as they come, which I am so thankful for. He doesn’t spend his mental energy worrying or preparing himself for worst case scenarios. If you’re familiar with the enneagram he is solid 7. I think a lot of the reasoning for why he is the way he is comes directly from his accident and the trials he has faced in the last 15 years being in a wheelchair. He realized a long time ago that sometimes life is hard and you’ve just gotta roll with the punches. I on the other hand am a 6 on the enneagram. I’m a planner and I definitely struggle with uncontrolled variables. I always plan for the worst case scenario even though I am hopeful that things never pan out that way. I like structure and I love predictable situations. As you can imagine this infertility journey has been anything but predictable. It’s challenged me and has literally forced me into submission before the Lord. It’s making me give Him all my anxieties and worried thoughts minute by minute. There is nothing about this current season that is within my control outside of showing up and trusting the Lord has got us.
Back to the voicemail. The kind nurse at our infertility clinic was simply doing her job when she left that 3 minute voicemail that would change the trajectory of our one day family forever. She broke down the lab results and informed us that our only option moving forward is In Vitro Fertilization. Remember earlier when I said I plan for worst case scenarios? Well, it turns out you can’t really prepare yourself fully to receive such news.
I was defeated.
I was scared.
I was overwhelmed.
I was heartbroken.
I’ve been saying since last year when we started this whole parenthood journey that this was a possibility. I knew that. Actually, if we want to back up even further Aaron and I knew this was a possibility 8 years ago when we fell in love. I talked about the option of IVF with strength and assurance in my voice but in those few moments after that voicemail I was anything but assured or strong. The urologist (Not our infertility Doc) who had helped us with Aaron’s labs was so encouraging and positive about Aaron’s results I really did believe that maybe, just maybe this wouldn’t be our story and that an IUI would be an option. I grappled with the news the rest of the day. Allowed myself to cry. Allowed it to feel unfair. After a week of mentally preparing myself for the follow up phone call with our Doctor on next steps Aaron and I prayed a lot, found hope in our circumstances and began preparing ourselves for IVF in November.
This is the part that I didn’t think I’d be writing about. This morning we had our follow up call with the Doctor and his perspective on our plan was so drastically different from the voicemail. The door to pursue the less invasive, less expensive option was NOT out of the question. He told me he isn’t one to give false hope and that if I were his daughter we’d be trying this option first. Is it technically much less likely to IVF percentage wise? Yes. But everything is. Is it still possible? Yes. It is possible. You’d think I would have left that call leaping for joy because of the voicemail I had receive just a week prior. But to be honest initially that was not my reaction and I share this because I want to be real with you. First of all I was in complete shock. There was a clear miscommunication somewhere which I know happens and I wasn’t angry about that. I was just blindsided by the fact that we have other options outside of IVF. The shock was quickly replaced with crippling anxiety. Fear took over. I had JUST put together what I thought was a “concrete” and “secure” plan for us financially for the next 7 months. I had a goal and I had a plan to attain it and then suddenly things changed. The fear of having to take a pregnancy test for the next six months was not something I thought I’d be doing. Spending money on something that wasn’t within my rigid financial plan felt like a setback. All my guards went up and I felt myself not wanting to let go of what felt like a controlled scenario. The tears came shortly after the call and I was so conflicted.
It’s funny looking back even a week when I got that voicemail to see how little I actually let God in. Why did I think that because I have this “7 month plan” that it’s the end all be all? How could I possibly know what 7 months down the road is going to look like even if everything went accordingly? Talk about convicting. God showed up today. He showed up last week too. He gave me grace, peace, comfort, direction and hope when I got that voicemail last week but mostly, I took it into my own hands. Today He showed up again. This time gently reminding me that His ways are SO far above mine. Reminding me that He is the ONLY one that is in control and that I need to let. go. He has never let me down. He knows what my future holds. He knows how our parenthood story will unfold. He knows what is BEST.
Billy Graham once said, “Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys.”
I can only share from my experience but I wouldn’t be sharing my whole story if I didn’t share these hard things. I believe sharing from the valley will only bring even more light to the victories I’m praying lie ahead.
So what does that mean moving forward? Well, for starters it means that I have got to be done trying to calculate everything out. The next 6 months we are moving forward with trying to conceive using alternative methods to IVF and allowing God to work not only in creating our little one but working in our hearts and helping me to trust Him more. Helping me to see that I cannot do anything outside of Him. Showing me that there is another way and that I don’t know best. His way is the only way. Showing us that there are now 6 chances for us to get pregnant that we didn’t have last week. 6 months of hope and opportunity for life that wasn’t there before. That, my friends is what I’m stepping into. We are letting God reroute us because He has always known where we are headed.
I feel the strength of the Lord within me and I’m feeling determined and hopeful. God has already sent provisions of all sorts since finding out the news. More than ever I feel at peace about what the future holds. Not because I have any concrete answers on how this will all pan out but because God’s track record is more dependable than any other in my life. He knows what we need, He knows what our future family is going to look like and He loves us so very much. I have no reason to worry. (If you are a 6 on the enneagram you know what a big statement that is!) So right now, yeah. I’m in the valley but fruit is growing. I’m being challenged and honestly learning to let go of control is a very healthy practice for me. He’s working through this. The mountaintops will come, but our growth comes in the valley. Thankful and expectant to see how God works in us through the next 6 months. If you would join us in prayer that we navigate this season well, are able to retain all the new information that’s overloading our brains, and ultimately that the Lord would allow us to carry a healthy, perfect little baby, it would mean the world. Thanks for reading, love you all.
Jessica
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